I am a lifelong member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. From 2013 into 2014 (when I was 39 until I was about 40 and a half), I experienced a faith crisis. Through that experience, I learned that we have to choose whether we will exercise faith in Jesus Christ.
On some level, faith deconstruction is all about choice. Those experiencing a faith crisis are searching for answers. But faith is an essential component of the plan of salvation, and so at some point, being a disciple of Jesus Christ means conscientiously and intentionally choosing faith in Him.
My faith crisis
My faith crisis started in February 2013, the month I turned 39. I was driving to Idaho for work, and listening to a podcast called the “Joseph Smith Papers.”1 I was shocked when they started talking about other accounts of the First Vision, particularly the 1832 account. They read that account, and the language was pretty different from what I knew was in the Pearl of Great Price.
After that, Church history became an obsession. I read everything I could get my hands on, including official sources, like the Joseph Smith Papers, as well as materials that were quite critical of Joseph Smith and the Church.
As I researched Church history, I started having questions. The more questions I had, the more I researched to try and find answers to those questions. But I wasn’t finding any answers. Instead, the more I looked for answers, I just found more questions. As time went on, my questions started turning to doubts.
My experience in the Church
I had grown up in the Church, and had done all the Church things. I did scouts as part of the young men program, and earned my Eagle Scout award. I graduated from seminary. I served a mission. I attended BYU. (I consider BYU part of my church experience, because at BYU religion classes are required and they count toward your GPA. So I studied for my religion classes.) The religion classes fascinated me, so I ended up taking a lot more than were required, including attending a semester abroad at the BYU Jerusalem Center, which was 18 credits of biblical studies. As part of my BYU experience, I taught at the MTC. For three years, I was at the MTC every day, teaching missionaries gospel principles, hearing them testify, studying gospel principles, and receiving training from general authorities.
I met my wife, Krista, at BYU. She is a woman of tremendous faith in Jesus Christ, and she loves being a member of the Church. So as we began our life together, we were always active in the Church.
After a lifetime of activity, how could I doubt?
After a lifetime of activity in the Church, I was surprised when I started experiencing questions and doubts. How could that have happened? How, after 39 and then 40 years of living in the Church, did I begin to doubt what I had up to that point believed?
I have spent several years trying to understand that. I believe that the simple answer is that life got busy. I attended law school in my late 20s, and started a challenging career. We had children, we experienced health issues, financial struggles (often, those two were related), and as time went on, the Church became just one more thing on my list of priorities. Over the years, it even started moving down that list, as it was something that seemed to want to monopolize my time, when I would rather be doing something else.
So, when I heard those other accounts of the First Vision and started having questions, I was in a place where I was perhaps not prepared to encounter challenges to my faith.
My faith crises ended with a choice
This lasted for about a year and a half, until I was about 40 and a half. I remember vividly how it ended. It was a bright morning as I was getting ready for work. I remember the sun shining through the window, reflecting through the steam that was still hanging in the air from that morning’s showers.
I was thinking about my experiences, my questions, and my concerns. And I specifically remember wondering if I had a testimony, and whether I ever had a testimony.
In that moment, an image came to my mind of my wife. I saw in my mind an image of her face, I thought of the covenants we made in the temple, and the blessings that were promised to us if we kept our covenants. I had a lot of questions and doubts, but the one thing that I knew was that I wanted those promises to be true. I wanted to be able to spend the eternities with Krista.
I didn’t know whether it was true. But I also hadn’t found any evidence or proof that it wasn’t true. So, I did something of a risk analysis. I thought, what if it is true? What if it is true, and I don’t keep my covenants, and so lose out on those promised blessings? Eternity was a long time to live with that regret. You could say that I thought, “What’s in it for me?” And as I thought about that, I knew that what I wanted most was the promise of an eternal family.
And so, in that moment, faced with questions and doubts, I made a choice. I chose to stay. I chose to live it. But I couldn’t go on as I was, so I chose to give my whole heart to it. I chose to believe.
I chose to study and live my covenants
What could I do differently? I had been active in the church for 40 years. The people who knew me probably had no idea I was experiencing a faith crisis, because outwardly I was active and involved. So, what could I do differently? What could I change to give my whole heart to living the gospel?
As I pondered this, I realized that I made my choice wanting the blessings associated with my covenants. So, if I was going to claim those blessings, I needed to live my covenants. And if I was going to live my covenants, I needed to know what they were. The way I gave my heart to living the gospel was studying my covenants, and working to live them daily.
What had I promised when I was baptized? When I received my endowment? When I was married? What did I promise each week as I attended sacrament meeting and took the sacrament? I continued to study church history, but I also began studying my covenants. As time went on, and I lived my normal, average, everyday life, I noticed that when I had decisions to make, the covenants I had been studying would come to my mind, and I intentionally tried to make decisions in a way that was consistent with my covenants.
That bright morning when I made the choice to give my whole heart to living the gospel was a turning point for me. It didn’t seem like that momentous of a decision, but I do remember feeling a weight lifted from my shoulders. In the almost 12 years since that decision, I have felt a greater peace and joy than at any other time in my life. I have a conviction of the reality of the gospel message as taught by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. And living that gospel message has brought me a greater happiness than I have experienced at any other point in my life.
That choice, and these years living the gospel, have taught me three principles that I believe are a pattern to responding to any trial, and are vital to finding peace in Christ.
Faith is the first principle of the gospel
First, faith in the Lord Jesus Christ is the first principle of the gospel. Faith is an essential and fundamental aspect of the plan of salvation. Faith is a principle of power,2 and living by faith gives us the capacity to walk the covenant path that knowledge alone does not give us.
Consider Laman and Lemuel, when they went back to Jerusalem to obtain the brass plates.3 They saw an angel, who said that the Lord would deliver Laban into their hands.4
Think about what they knew in that moment. They knew angels were real. They had confirmation from a heavenly messenger that their father had been called of God. They had been told by an angel that the Lord would help them succeed in obtaining the brass plates.
And yet, as soon as the angel departed, they said, “How is it possible that the Lord will deliver Laban into our hands? Behold, he is a mighty man, and he can command fifty, yea, even he can slay fifty; then why not us?”5
As the story continues, we see Nephi heading back into Jerusalem alone.6 The visit from the angel, and the knowledge given to them by that angel, were not enough to convince Laman and Lemuel to move forward in faith.
Faith is the first principle of the gospel, and it is a blessing that we are asked to live by faith.
Agency: we have to choose
The second principle is agency. Our agency is such a precious gift that the Lord will not do anything to take that away from us, even when it comes to our conversion.
When I was struggling with my faith, I wanted something, anything, to convince me it was all true. I would read stories like Alma the Younger and the Sons of Mosiah, and how they were seemingly different from one moment to the next after seeing the angel.7 I read about Saul, and how he changed immediately after the visit from the Savior.8 I read about the people of King Benjamin who had a mighty change wrought in their hearts, that they had no more disposition to do evil.9 I wondered why I hadn’t had an experience like that. I had lived this for my whole life. After 40 years, why was it still so hard?
I am convinced that even in these miraculous stories, these people had to use their agency to make a choice to change. The stories in the scriptures give us the briefest accounts to teach us principles, and I believe that even in these stories, they had to choose. In 2 Nephi 33:1, we read that Nephi taught, “[W]hen a man speaketh by the power of the Holy Ghost the power of the Holy Ghost carrieth it unto the hearts of the children of men.”
Elder David A. Bednar has used this verse to emphasize that “the power of the Spirit carries the message unto but not necessarily into the heart.”10 Elder Bednar continued, “A teacher can explain, demonstrate, persuade, and testify, and do so with great spiritual power and effectiveness. Ultimately, however, the content of a message and the witness of the Holy Ghost penetrate into the heart only if a receiver allows them to enter. Learning by faith opens the pathway into the heart.”11
I am convinced that we allow the Spirit to enter into our heart by choosing to walk by faith. It isn’t enough to just want it. We have to give our whole heart to it. The Lord taught simply, “If any man will do his will, he shall know of the doctrine, whether it be of God, or whether I speak of myself.”12 In other words, the way we exercise our agency is to choose to live by faith, and as we live as dedicated disciples of Jesus Christ, over time the Lord will give us knowledge as we learn from our experiences.
Swimming analogy
As an analogy, think about someone learning to swim. A person will never learn to swim by standing on dry ground, just looking at the water. They could receive instruction from the best teachers. They could read books about swimming strokes and techniques. They could accumulate all kinds of knowledge about swimming. But at some point, that person has to get into the water. And it isn’t enough to just wade in. To truly learn how to swim, a person needs to get in the deep end, and do the work to learn how to swim. It could be said that the only way to learn how to swim is by swimming.
The gospel of Jesus Christ is meant to be lived. We are not meant to just know about it. And so the only way to gain knowledge is to jump in. We choose to live by faith, and give our whole heart to living it.
The Holy Ghost testifies of truth
Some people may ask, “How can I make the choice to live it if I don’t know whether it’s true?” That takes us to the third principle, which is the Holy Ghost.
The Holy Ghost is a member of the godhead. He is the messenger for and the witness of the Father and the Son.13 The Holy Ghost doesn’t just give us knowledge, he sanctifies us,14 cleanses us,15 and it is through the Holy Ghost that we experience that mighty change of heart.16
Of all the things I read during the time that I was struggling with my faith, of all the questions and concerns I had, the thing that caused me the most concern was regarding the reality of the Holy Ghost. I had a friend who chose to leave the Church, and he said that he didn’t believe the Holy Ghost was real. He said he believed that everything he had experienced throughout his life was just emotion.
This shook me. I struggle with my emotions. It may sound strange, but I struggle to understand what I am feeling. In the Church, we often talk about how to recognize the Holy Ghost by referencing emotions.17 We talk about peace or joy, but what if you struggle to recognize those emotions? It can be challenging to understand what it means to recognize the Holy Ghost. So I have had to learn how to recognize the Holy Ghost.18 I have had to understand that the Holy Ghost will communicate with me using my own gifts and talents.
During this period of time that I think of as my faith crisis, I kept remembering experiences throughout my life when I believed I had experienced the Holy Ghost. Because I was struggling with my faith, I was questioning whether those experiences were from the Holy Ghost, or whether they were just my own thoughts or emotions. But those experiences were vivid in my memory, and they kept coming back to my mind. I thought of experiences I had as a teenager, as a missionary, as a BYU student, as a teacher in the MTC, as a young husband and father. I am convinced that the Holy Ghost kept bringing those experiences to my mind as a way to help me remember and to learn how the Holy Ghost communicates with me. I am convinced that on that fateful day when I made my choice, it was the Holy Ghost who brought that image of my wife to my mind. Rather than give me an experience to convince me it was true, the Holy Ghost gave me an experience that helped me realize what I wanted most, and gave me the courage to choose to exercise faith.
Moroni’s promise says that by the power of the Holy Ghost, we may know the truth of all things.19 But that doesn’t necessarily mean we receive a sure knowledge before we choose to exercise faith. The Holy Ghost is powerful, but also subtle, and so it is called a still, small voice.20
The knowledge given to us by the Holy Ghost must also be consistent with the aspect of the Plan of Salvation that requires us to live by faith. And so, the Holy Ghost gives us knowledge line upon line, precept upon precept. I am convinced that as we read, study, and pray to know the truth, the Holy Ghost gives us just enough light and knowledge to help us choose faith. As Alma said, “blessed is he that believeth in the word of God . . . without being brought to know the word.”21
This is the Lord’s Church, and because this work is real, anyone who encounters this work will have experiences with the Holy Ghost. Trust that what you have experienced is the Holy Ghost. Trust that this is real, and let that give you the courage to exercise faith.
Love, share, invite
For anyone experiencing a crisis of faith, or with loved ones going through it, we need to be patient and trust that it is through the Holy Ghost that we will have experiences to help us exercise faith.
In a talk given by Elder Gary E. Stevenson in the April 2022 general conference titled, “Love, Share, Invite,” he makes a remarkable statement: “Sharing isn’t about ‘selling’ the gospel. You don’t have to write a sermon or correct someone’s incorrect perceptions. . . . God doesn’t need you to be His sheriff.”
We don’t need feel responsible to change someone. We don’t need to act like a salesman or a telemarketer to try and convince them that it’s true. It’s the Holy Ghost’s job to convince them. It’s just our job to love them, to share, and to invite. Elder Stevenson’s talk does a beautiful job helping us understand how to do that. You can be at peace knowing that you are not responsible to change your loved ones.
As we commit, and fully live as dedicated disciples of Jesus Christ, we will have the Holy Ghost with us. And as we love, and invite our loved ones to be with us, we will be creating an environment where they can have experiences with the Holy Ghost. It will be through these experiences that they will experience a change of heart.
Of all the names of Jesus Christ, my favorite is Savior. We have a Savior. He is my Savior, and he is yours. He is the savior of all those who choose not to be with us. We can have hope that he is loving and merciful, and that he is working to help our loved ones experience that change of heart. As we fully commit to live as disciples of Jesus Christ, we participate with him in helping our loved ones have experiences with the Holy Ghost.
I have a testimony
I testify of the reality of the Holy Ghost. It is through the Holy Ghost that I have a testimony of the reality of the gospel message as taught by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. If we will trust that we experience the promptings of the Spirit, and rely on that witness to choose to exercise faith, we will continue to gain light and knowledge as we live as dedicated disciples of Jesus Christ.
References
- This “podcast” was originally a two-season television program introducing the Joseph Smith Papers project. It can be found here: https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/media/collection/Joseph-smith-papers-audio-series?lang=eng. ↩︎
- David A. Bednar, “Ask in Faith,” April 2008, “The Prophet Joseph further explained that ‘faith is not only the principle of action, but of power also, in all intelligent beings, whether in heaven or on earth’ (Lectures on Faith, 3). Thus, faith in Christ leads to righteous action, which increases our spiritual capacity and power. Understanding that faith is a principle of action and of power inspires us to exercise our moral agency in compliance with gospel truth, invites the redeeming and strengthening powers of the Savior’s Atonement into our lives, and enlarges the power within us whereby we are agents unto ourselves.” https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2008/04/ask-in-faith?lang=eng&id=p14#p14. ↩︎
- 1 Nephi 3:1-27. ↩︎
- 1 Nephi 3:28-30, “[A]n angel of the Lord came and stood before them, and he spake unto them, saying: Why do ye smite your younger brother with a rod? Know ye not that the Lord hath chosen him to be a ruler over you, and this because of your iniquities? Behold ye shall go up to Jerusalem again, and the Lord will deliver Laban into your hands.” ↩︎
- 1 Nephi 3:31. ↩︎
- 1 Nehi 4:1-6, “And after they had hid themselves, I, Nephi, crept into the city and went forth towards the house of Laban. And I was led by the Spirit, not knowing beforehand the things which I should do.” ↩︎
- Mosiah 27:8-37. ↩︎
- Acts 9:1-22. ↩︎
- Mosiah 5:1-2. ↩︎
- David A. Bednar, “Seek Learning by Faith,” Ensign, September 2007, 60, https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/2007/09/seek-learning-by-faith?lang=eng&id=p5#p5. ↩︎
- Ibid., https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/2007/09/seek-learning-by-faith?lang=eng&id=p5#p5. ↩︎
- John 7:17. ↩︎
- David A. Bednar, “Receive the Holy Ghost,” October 2010, https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2010/10/receive-the-holy-ghost?lang=eng&id=p5#p5. ↩︎
- 3 Nephi 27:20, “Now this is the commandment: Repent, all ye ends of the earth, and come unto me and be baptized in my name, that ye may be sanctified by the reception of the Holy Ghost, that ye may stand spotless before me at the last day.” ↩︎
- Henry B. Eyring, “Gifts of the Spirit for Hard Times,” Ensign, June 2007, 23, “[T]he reception of the Holy Ghost cleanses us through the Atonement of Jesus Christ.” https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/2007/06/gifts-of-the-spirit-for-hard-times?lang=eng&id=p34#p34. ↩︎
- Mosiah 5:2, “And they all cried with one voice, saying: Yea, we believe all the words which thou hast spoken unto us; and also, we know of their surety and truth, because of the Spirit of the Lord Omnipotent, which has wrought a mighty change in us, or in our hearts, that we have no more disposition to do evil, but to do good continually.” ↩︎
- Galatians 5:22, “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith.” ↩︎
- See my prior post on this subject, “How Can I Recognize the Holy Ghost?” ↩︎
- Moroni 10:5. ↩︎
- 3 Nephi 11:3-6. ↩︎
- Alma 32:16. ↩︎
